Counsellor In A Box

Hi Everyone,

Here is Part 5 of our Narcissist Series. I was originally going to do one other Video for the Series about finding the right type of support system but I decided to wrap-up the series with Part 5.

The important thing to remember when it comes to getting support and advice from others is that everyone has their own perceptions and reasons for their beliefs and opinions and each situation is unique, therefore the only person who is going to know what is highest and best for you is you.

The best thing you can do then is that you need to be appreciative of other people’s advice and/or concern but always take it with a grain of salt and know what areas that you are particularly vulnerable in, specifically,your greatest fears and weaknesses in regards to getting back with partner or starting a new relationship because it is these fears and vulnerabilities that have a very good chance of being drawn out and puppeted in the people who are giving you advice therefore creating even more fear and/or sense of helplessness for you.

It is also important to pay attention to what you are focusing on because you will draw in situations and the opinions of others to support your greatest fears and these situations and opinions will linger with you so instead of being tossed about like a ragdoll by the focus, opinions or beliefs of others and choose to support, believe and focus on your own beliefs.

Friends and family who are neutral and are there to support your decisions and see you through no matter what you decide to do or not do and believe in you and your feelings and guidance even if they are concerned for you are the types of people you want to surround yourself with and focus on surrounding yourself with.

Now let us carry-on with the video and script for Narcissist Series Part 5: To Take a Stand, To Date or Carry-on.

Script

Hi Everyone,

It is Melody Chase, Co-author our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Program.

Welcome to Part 5 of our Narcissist Video Series called To Take a Stand, To Date or Carry On.

In the last video, I touched on whether to begin dating or not during the Meantime Process while waiting to get back together with your ex-partner who left you for a Narcissist.

For everyone the situation is different and there is no right or wrong answer. For some it is Highest and Best to continue to wait and not introduce potential new partners or love interests into ones life and for others to their surprise someone new who may just be Highest and Best for them almost literally falls into their lap when they least expect it.

The question is how to tell if this is Highest and Best for the person and several other questions arise such as:

Am I giving up too soon?

Is this a rebound?

Is it a reaction of being deprived of companionship for such a long time?

Is this revenge?

Is it someone taking advantage of me while I am vulnerable?

And last but not least: Can I be holding myself back from potentially having the Love and Life of my Dreams with this new person because I am loyally holding on to my old relationship?

For many, the thought of carrying on and finding someone new is simply out of the question and nothing is going to change your mind on this and you will not be swayed and this is you being true to your heart and in fact A.W., a Counsellor in a Box Customer from our Narcissist Series has provided us with a wonderful resource by a woman by the name of Kenda-Ruth Stumpf? has a website called? http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/ where she talks about what she calls the Stand.

In her case she took a Stand and waited for her husband who was having a Mid-crisis and left to be with a Narcissist woman for almost three years, and finally returned once and for all to her.

It is an amazing journey and she provided a timeline of how many times her husband oscillated back and forth between her and the other woman including long time periods where — had no communication with him whatsoever.

It was a process that the author and her husband had to go through and it is an inspiration and a reassurance for those who chose to hold on in there – especially when the Narcissist is banking on time, distance and prevention of communication to get you to give up.

To others though, what happens if you are getting the urge to try dating or what happens if someone new shows up at your doorstep that your discover that you are attracted to on many levels.

Especially at the magical one and a half year mark from the time your partner left you.

In our Programs we always encourage asking for your Highest and Best partner and this is what we recommend as well even when you are holding your stand for your partner or ex-partner who left or even when you have already asked for your Highest and Best partner and your last partner or ex is who had showed up in the first place.

There is always a potential that your last partner was a stepping stone towards your Highest and Best and they were what you needed to learn, heal or grow to prepare you for your true Highest and Best Partner and now you are at a higher level of awareness, consciousness and knowledge about yourself and relationships so that you can now enter into a relationship with your Highest and Best partner and you will be ready to have the love, life and relationship of your dreams.

Sure things that may have not been resolved in your last relationship will carry on into your new relationship which is why we always recommend working on yourself and learning as much as you can about relationships whether you get back with your last partner or not but you will discover once the initial bumps and moments of uncertainty and learning how to trust and open your heart once again you will see that everything leading up to this new relationship has prepared you to be in this new relationship and you and your new partner are going to be okay.

Not only will you be okay, you are going to expand and grow and love together in a deep and fulfilling way.

The question is how will you be able to tell what is pure attraction or a rebound or some sort of subconscious mind pattern creating the potential for a dysfunctional relationship that will potentially close the door on your old relationship.

The key is self-awareness and listening to your guidance and to help explain this a have some examples of customers, readers and/or people I know who went by their guidance and feelings to determine to continue to stand, to start dating or carry-on with someone new.

In the first example, a reader we knew who was divorced and whose wife left him, for a Narcissist, when our reader reached the magic one and a half year mark he had the urge to start dating. He tried it out and found a wonderful woman who found him wonderful and wanted to go out on another date.

As much fun as she was and as happy as he was to be found interesting and attractive, he found his guidance told him to definitely not to pursue this and he went back to waiting for his ex.

A Counsellor in a Box Customer of ours who is separated from his wife who left him for the other man (also a Narcissist), discovered that he could date casually while waiting for his wifes return without feeling vulnerable, guilty or caught in a rebound relationship. He also is open for someone new but us detached about this and is not in fear of this potential outcome as he continues with his stand.

A woman I know, as another example, she has been separated from her husband for a long time now and he is with another woman. The woman I know had a male neighbor who she got along with really well and thinking logically, since he really liked her and because they got along really well and had many similarities that he would be a good match for her.

Her guidance however told her that this was a rebound reaction and she distanced herself and now several years later she sees how that would have been a mistake and although she has not given up on her husband she has enough self-awareness and relationship knowledge to know that a new acquaintance that she has met now may be her Highest and Best partner but she is taking her time and sees what happens.

Last but not least, another Counsellor in a Box Customer was 100% loyal and dedicated to her ex-partner who left her for a Narcissist, at the 18 month mark into her Stand met someone new when she was not looking or planning to date and after 1 month she knew she had met her Highest and Best mate in this new partner and even though there is healing and a transition for her to go through, she has already made peace and let go of her ex and already can see how everything has lead her to the new relationship, which totally took her by surprise because as she thought her ex was her Highest and Best.

So the important thing is to trust your own guidance and feelings, even though the fear of the unknown and of being hurt or feeling like you will lose your ex partner for good,? if you listen very carefully and be open to how you feel, the truth will make its way through to you.

If you have any questions you can contact me or Robby Bilton at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Thank you watching our Narcissist Video Series!

Have a Great Day and Good Bye For Now!

Hi Everyone,

I am finally back on schedule for the continuation of our Narcissist Series. There will be 3 more videos to the series which have been inspired by the correspondence between one of our Counsellor in a Box Customers by the name of A.W.

The topics A.W. discusses and the way of how he explains his views and experiences is amazing so I just had to share and continue on with the series in order to be able to get his information and messages out to everyone.

For today’s video called Narcissist Series Part 4 – Time: Realizing That This Is Not a Quick Fix is exactly what the title says, I have included the Transcript of the Video below as well as the 1st email by A.W. by the same title.

Transcript

Hi It is Melody Chase, Co-author of our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Program. (http://www.counsellorinabox.com)

The next 3 parts of our Narcissist Series is going to be based on a series of emails by A.W. one of our Counsellor in a Box Customers whose wife left him for a Narcissist.

A.W. sent me an email called Time: Realizing This Is Not a Quick Fix and he really captured the feeling and reality of what it is like to realize that whatever caused your partner to become ensnared into the Narcissist’s web is going to take a long time to unravel itself and the Narcissist is the Effect but the cause is a mixture of what was going on in your relationship, what was going on with you and what was going on with your partner.

So it is going to take patience and a lot of healing and courageousness on your part if you choose to remain open to getting back together with to your ex-partner.

We had another Counsellor in a Box Customer not A.W. but a female Customer who was prone to panicking and arguing and trying to prove to her ex-partner that they belonged together – after about 6 months she realized all she was doing was pushing her partner away more into the web that the Narcissist has spun.

Our customer was able to detach and her and her ex-partner got into a comfortable balance where her ex-partner after trying to do the best he could to push her away, once given the space came to her and was more honest about his feelings for her and that even though he always wanted to be with someone like this other woman – that had this other woman not hit all the right buttons to ensnare him that he never would have left his partner and that he did still love her and thinks about her all the time.

He was honest in believing that he could never leave the other woman because he was too wrapped up in her and he was sure that this is what he wanted but at least he was no longer saying whatever he could to push our customer away and our customer was at peace knowing that if one day if he was able to overcome his ego desires and fears as well as subconscious mind programs and imprinting and chose self-love over the Relationship addiction or external fix, distraction and searching as a result of his mid-life crisis that she knew he knew she was his home and she was his home as well.

So the two of them got along separately for the next year, the customer had moments where she would panic but for the most part she was living life to the fullest, working on her career and taking care of family, catching up with old friends and making lots of new ones.

Then at about the 1 and 1/2 year mark something began to shift in the customer – it is often common that after a break up at the 1 and 1/2 year point the person who is left behind gets to a point where they are ready to potentially carry on – although others say there is a correlation between how long you are in a relationship as to how long it takes a person to get over the relationship – we will be going over in more detail on that in one of our upcoming Narcissist Series Videos.

In any case the customer was at a new level of detachment and even though the customer is still in-love with her ex-partner she is feeling neutral about seeing other guys and even though it still fulfilling in other ways than with her ex-partner with these other men – at least she is open to whatever unfolds and has companionship.

Then a funny thing happened – instead of further detaching the Customer began to get impatient and demanding instead with her ex-partner and began trying to push him and use the fact that she had guys lined up down the street to force him to take action quicker.

Instead all she got was a devastating repeat of her ex-partner telling her the truth as to why he would never leave the other woman as if no progress had been made in the year and a half and this almost devastated our customer especially since she had been doing so well on focusing on removing a lot of her fears and patterns that had an influence on why they broke up in the first place and everything was thrown back fresh in her face again.

Since reading our Counsellor in a Box Program she knew it was her subconscious mind puppeting her ex, especially because of all the progress she was making, her subconscious mind which has a default program to keep things at a status quo (we all have this built in system) regardless whether this was beneficial to her or not – so if she was making a lot of progress this was an opportune time for the subconscious mind to throw whatever it could at her and see if she would break.

She recovered quite quickly but she realized in that moment whether she likes it or not – there is a process to healing and a process as well that her ex-partner has to go through in order to be able to resolve his mid-life crisis and until both of them are at the same level of higher consciousness and vibration and self-love and unconditional love that she was going to have to settle in and know and not be in resistance to the fact that the situation was not a quick fix and she was going to have to pace herself and be okay with time passing and know that if they are meant to be all of this will all be worth it at the end of the day.

In regards to mentioning that she was now interested in other men – she was being honest about it and this part of the discussion did work in her benefit because for the 1st time her ex-partner realized that there is a potential of her carrying on and he now did truly have to make decisions as to what he wanted to do in his life? – so the best thing she can do now from this point is allow events to unfold while having the confidence and patience that everything will work out for the Highest and Best.

The other question that a person may have is – well, if her getting another boyfriend may have caused a turning point with her ex-partner why didn’t she just do this right away when her ex-partner 1st left for the other woman?

Although we will never know for sure chances are the ex-partner was too wrapped up in the other woman and did not have enough time to find out what he was in for with the Narcissist so nothing would have got through to him at that early stage of the game and being so soon after the break-up this would have created a situation where our customer would have been susceptible to a rebound relationship or being a target of an Narcissist herself due to the level of hurt and vulnerability she would have been in at the time.

At least at this point she has time to recover, find herself and her gain her confidence back and more and is able is able to determine whether she is ready to date and know what she is getting herself into.

We will go into more detail about whether a person should date or not when still interested in getting back with their ex-partner in an upcoming Narcissist Video.

In order to find more about the email that inspired this video – please see the comments section on my http://www.counsellorinabox.com/blog and http://www.lovebydesignbook.com below this video.

If you have any questions you can contact me or Robby at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Thank you, have a wonderful day and bye for now!

Melody Chase
http://www.trueloveondemand.com
http://www.lovebydesignbook.com
http://www.counsellorinabox.com
http://www.retrievealover.com
http://www.relationshipbeach.com
http://www.lifequestpublishing.com
Email: relationshipcentre@shaw.ca
(204)475-0323

Here is the Email mentioned in the Video by A.W.

Time: Realizing It Is Not A Quick Fix

Hello again Melody,

These points keep coming to me, this morning as I drive to work….

Time…when this situation explodes we (men at least) are in a hurry to fix, we panic and try to fix everything immediately.
In my experience I asked ‘how long will this process take?’

It seems that there is possibly some science involved with calculating your recovery time related to how long you have been in your relationship, but nobody that I am aware of has done this research.

Anyway I was told that there was a correlation between the age your partner is when they slip of the rails and how long it lasts, but when I think about it there is probably also of a link between age and the length of the relationship. I was told that the duration for my wife (aged 50) was likely to be 3-4 years. Younger and it will be shorter, as if this thing has been brewing since childhood and finally pops.

It will be interesting if it is accurate.

When I heard this (3-4 years) I was horrified and wanted to just give up because it was so traumatic and I wanted it over and I was reactionary and almost insane. At age 58 you think you don??t have the time to waste, but this is not waste it is time to understand.

But what you must realize, as a partner, is that the process started a long time before you were aware. Thirty percent of this process has been brewing while you were dreaming. Now you are awake and in panic and calming down for the middle 30 percent (probably at least a year of turmoil) and then either you have killed the relationship dead (yes you) or you have detached and view the situation from a position of strength.

When (if) your partner comes out of this they will be looking for your strength and understanding, your unconditional love and forgiveness. It is not their fault, not your fault.

This is human development that skipped a stage and processes it later in life. (this is my view) .

I say all these things but I am not sure my own outcome will be positive, or if I will want to be with my partner of 30 years. But I will always love her in some way, that is clear and what I see in the past is all positive. a 30 year marriage is some success.

Actually even now the outcome is positive. I feel younger, have a more light attitude and I am more relaxed. It is a huge learning process, painful but I would not have missed it for the world.

Finally I understand more about women. But that is another subject.

~A.W.~

Hi Everyone,

In This Part 3 of the 3 Part Video Series – Relationship Advice: What to Do When Your Partner Left You for a Narcissist – I explain how wanting to be back together with your ex-partner when the other man or woman is a Narcissist is a unique situation and what is the right thing to do and what is the right Mindset to have during the Meantime as you wait for your partner to return.

Video #3 Transcript

Hi Everyone,

It is Melody Chase.

Welcome to Part 3 of our Relationship Advice Series Video #3 – What Do to When Your Ex-partner has left your for an Narcissist.

If you haven’t watched Part 1 and Part 2 of this Series I would recommend watching those videos first and then join us here for Part 3.

In Part One I described what a Narcissist is, in Part 2 I explained how they managed to basically kidnap your partner and how they are keeping the hold on our partner as your partner is under the Narcissist’s control.

Now for Part 3 I will explain why being someone who wants to get back with the ex-partner who is with a Narcissist is unique and what it is that you have to do in order to wait out the Meantime Process in order to get back with your ex-partner.

When people find out you are holding a candle for your ex-partner most people think you are crazy, your partner is not deserving of having you back since they did chose to be with this other man or woman plus your partner originally initiated a relationship with this other man or woman.

Most People don’t understand what you are talking about when you say a “Narcissist kidnapped your partner” or the Stockholm Syndrome is in effect” – they pretty much think your relationship is a lost cause, you just don’t want to admit defeat, your partner is simply happier with someone else and it is time for you to carry on and find someone who will unconditionally love you for you and will make you happy.

However, a Counsellor in a Box Customer who is in this situation right now with his own wife who chose to be with another man who is a Narcissist explained the situation in the best way I ever heard, he said:

“A person in my position can accept that a Mid Life crisis is a mental lapse and potentially something that lasts a few years, often connected to hormonal changes (both men and women) and that many individuals are damaged by insensitive treatment as children which results in them becoming Narcissists in adulthood who seek out people who are vulnerable to becoming a source of Narcissistic Supply such as someone going through a Mid-life Crisis – others would be able to understand then and realize that you need tolerance and understanding as you cannot change progress, but only by not reacting to make things worse is the route that one can take until the process runs its course.”

So this situation is real, it is much more common then a person imagines but you and many other partners like you out there find yourself isolated and alone because no one understands what you are going through and can’t figure out why you just don’t give up or give your ex-partner an ultimatum – it’s eithor you or the other man or woman and that’s it.

Unfortunately, unlike a normal situation where a person has left for another man or woman and it is simply a matter of an ultimatum or waiting on the contrast effect for their partner to come back kicks in – give you ex-partner an ultimatum between you and the Narcissist or do anything rash or confrontal your ex-partner will not only chose the Narcissist they will be ensnared closer to the Narcissist.

If Narcissists feel threatened in anyway they will eithor seek to destroy the threat like the Terminator in which ever way they can (and they know how to use the Court system because they have used it to their advantage many times before so always be careful not to threaten the Narcissist yourself even if the Narcissist threatens first – just keep your own records of events or report any threats to the police but never initiate anything yourself) or if the Narcissist sees you as a threat the Narcissist will reign in your ex-partner even closer and go so far as to even threaten to get a Private Investigator to keep an eye on you and your ex-partner (tapping phones is not beyond the scope of ideas) and will request to see your partner’s phone-bills to a be able to account for anything that you ex-partner is doing and the Narcissist can totally get away with doing this because they hold your ex-partner over the barrel by threatening to leave if he or she doesn’t agree to the Narcissist’s terms.

The Narcissist will also often use the excuse that they have been taken advantage off and cheated on so many times in the past they just can’t handle being cheated on so they have to protect themselves and it is nothing personal to your ex-partner

The emotional terrorism also creates a negative association to you – it is so scary and stressful for your ex-partner to have contact with you even if they desire to do so gets to a point where it doesn’t feel like it is worth it to do so any longer and you are seen as the source of their unhappiness and/or potential unhappiness instead of Narcissist.

The Narcissist’s stories of woe about having been so wrongfully hurt in the past by partners will also convince your ex-partner that is it morally wrong to go behind the Narcissist’s back.

What the Narcissist is really doing is using your ex-partner as a source of? Narcissistic Supply by putting your partner between a rock and a hard place generating overwhelming guilt from your ex-partner to a point where there are too emotionally exhausted to even come to a win-win solution to order to have contact with you.

The Narcissist will also be keeping regular tabs on their Narcissistic Supply even without any reason so it will seem as if they have a 6th sense and will interrupt any contact you will attempt to have with your ex-partner anyway.

The only direction you can go in this situation then is not to be a Narcissistic Supply yourself (chances are you, yourself are also vulnerable to Narcissists so it was both you and your partner who drew the Narcissist in, in the first place) and do not further create opportunities for your ex-partner to be a source of Narcissistic Supply as well.

So what you need to do is not give the Narcissist the time of day and do not react to anything that the Narcissist and your ex-partner are doing together – protect your health, peace of mind, family, business and finances – otherwise let your ex-partner come to his or her own realizations of the situation that they are in.

So if you can keep some contact with you ex-partner and when in contact be polite, warm, friendly and loving plus if you can use the chance to resolve any old issues the two of you have had (this creates bonding and a clearing of blocked energy for the two of you) otherwise just let your ex-partner be.

It may seen throughout the course of this Video Series that we are being really dis-empowering to your ex-partner as if they don’t have a mind of their own – but by letting them be they will find out for themselves whether they are truly happy or not with this Narcissist -it is not your place to point it out to them – it is your place to offer them a supportive place to go if they chose to get out and that you will always love them and you are going to make the best of your life in the meantime and stay healthy and strong and be successful so that if he or she chooses to come back they will come back to a person who is whole, healthy and ready to rebuild a relationship with him or her.

The biggest challenge is that it may take longer than you were expecting to wait for your partner to come back – but as Bono from U2 once said “Love is patient, and what the soul loves the soul is willing to wait for” and you will find strength that you never new existed within you and you will find resources to support you along the way.

Speaking of resources – in the Youtube Write-up along with with in our Counsellor in a Box Blog at counsellorinabox.com/blog and our Love By Design Blog at lovebydesignbook.blogspot.com I list some further resources about Narcissists for you in a variety of different areas.

As well anyone who orders our Counsellor in a Box Program at counsellorinabox.com and Love by Design Program at lovebydesignbook.com you receive a Free Session via Skype, Phone or Email with Robby, The Director of the Centre for Life Management and receive unlimited email access to myself where we can give you further support and information about how to manage the meantime while your ex-partner is with a Narcissist.

If you have any questions you can contact myself or Robby at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Thank you, have a Wonderful Day and Bye for Now!

Melody Chase

A Special Message From the Counsellor in a Box Customer Mentioned in Part 3 of our Video Series

Upon watching Part 3 of our Series the Customer Who I mentioned in the Video was inspired to share this very important message with those who are dealing with Partners Who Have Left To Be With a Narcissist

“What I notice is that when the narcissist thinks he has won, he will rest. He thinks he has done it. If you have followed the plan as outlined by Melody, then is the time to still be distant, still give the impression of being ‘defeated’, but be completely agreeable to everything your partner requests (within boundaries) so that your partner feels safe and secure with you but without thinking that you want them back. Be their best friend but be wanting nothing in return.

In this way you have your self respect as you are a strong independent individual, BUT YOU ARE SO STRONG that you can be able to accept requests that are of no consequence to your position.

People considering this, in the previous stages that I have been through, will think this is rubbish because they may not have reached the stage of detachment yet. The pain will still be too strong. But we all get there… be patient, it will come.

For me this agreeable position was to allow my wife more money monthly. I was actually stepping away from the relationship but giving her more. In this way you give ground but take it back by giving the knowledge that you want nothing but the well being of your partner.

You see this is unconditional love AND the narcissist cannot do that. Narcissists only love themselves (because of their past trauma) and cannot genuinely show empathy.

What you do, after the pain has subsided in giving is a genuine act of love which is purity. Oh my God I have found religion.

But you cannot do this until it feels right AND you MUST give yourself time. We cannot all do this, it is the feature of a strong person. But there are enough of us out there.

The very nature of reading this or watching Melody’s videos mean that YOU ARE a strong person.

Weak people walk away from marriage when it gets rocky.

This is the difference between a good marriage and a narcissist captivating your partner. Unconditional love a narcissist cannot compete with, because it is not part of their fabric.

Thank you Melody, I cannot tell you what an inspiration these videos are.”

~A.W.~

Further Information and Resources on Narcissists:

The link for the full definition of the Narcissist Personality Disorder from wiki. answers.com is:

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_definition_of_the_Narcissistic_Personality_Disorder#ixzz1H4dvOnD

Part 1 “I, Psychopath” a Video Documentary about a Psychopath/Malignant Narcissist named Sam Vaknin who has dedicate his life helping others to understand Psychopaths and Narcissists.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKn4IYpXK6g

Narcissism: The Web of Illusion, Discover The Truth About Narcissism By Kaleah LaRoche

http://www.narcissismmalignant.com/

Love Fraud: How To Know When Love Is A Con Website

http://www.lovefraud.com/\

Malignant Self- Love: Narcissism Revisited

http://samvak.tripod.com

You Can Save This Marriage – Larry Bilotta’s Marriage Expert Website (Recommended by our Customer mentioned in Part 3 – Larry was able to assist our Customer in learning how to block negative feelings and enhance positive – something that is key in order to be happy and successful during the Meantime Process as your partner goes through his or her process with the Narcissist)

http://www.youcansavethismarriage.com/

Reality Transurfing – By Vadim Zeland ( Also Highly Recommended by Our Customer Mentioned in Part 3 – he says in the section of the book that talks about Pendulums – the book explains about how easy it is to recognize Narcissists and how to deal with them)

http://zelands.com/e_book1.htm

Books By Richard Sherritt:

Meaning From Madness : Understanding the Hidden Patterns that Motivate Abusers: Narcissists, Borderlines, and Sociopaths.

Tears and Healing: The Journey to the Light after an Abusive Relationship

Surviving the Storm: Strategies and Realities when Divorcing a Narcissist

http://dalkeithpress.com

Toxic Parenting: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

http://www.susanforward.com/author.htm

Recover From Narcissistic Abuse!- Kaleah LaRoche

http://www.narcissismfree.com/

How To Survive Cheating and Narcissism Healing From an Addiction To a Narcissist – By Maria Ava

http://www.articlesbase.com/infidelity-articles/how-to-survive-cheating-and-narcissism-healing-from-an-addiction-to-a-narcissist-996354.html

Narcissistic Abuse by Anne Brady

http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/

Other Websites Mentioned:

Counsellor in a Box Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com and Love By Design Program at http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

Any questions you can reach Robby or myself at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Hi Everyone,

Here is Video #3 of our Relationship Advice Video Series called “Relationship Advice: What to Do When Your Partner Left You For a Narcissist – Part 1″

The overall theme of this video is to assist people in understanding the unique situation they are in when getting back with their ex-partner when the other man or woman is a Narcissist. In Part 1 I explain what a Narcissist is.

At the end of this Blog after the Video and Transcript of the Video there is a Link to the Complete Definition of the Narcissist Personality Disorder as well as further Information and Resources about Narcissists.

Here is the Transcript For Part 1:

Hi Everyone,

It is Melody Chase -Welcome to our Relationship Advice Video #3 – Part 1

Video #3 is going to be split into 3 Parts but the over-all theme I am going to be talking about is what to do when your ex-partner has left you for a Narcissist.

Over the last year or so I have noticed that with every single person I have talked to that is having Relationship difficulties there has been a Narcissist involved in the mix whether it was the other man or woman, a parent, a sibling, a child, a friend or even their partner.

Therefore for Relationship Advice Video #3 of our Series I would like the discuss the unique circumstances that you may find yourself in if your partner has left your for a Narcissist.

In the case where your partner had an affair with another man or woman and the other man or woman isn’t a Narcissist your partner will come to their senses and come back to you in a fairly quick amount of time.

If your ex- partner is involved with a Narcissist it becomes a stale-mate situation because the Narcissist has spun a web of illusion keeping your partner at bay and whenever there is any sign of your partner coming to their senses or any pressure from you to get your partner back the Narcissist has fail-safe ways of reigning your ex even closer to him or her.

For Part 1 of Relationship Advice Video Series #3 I will be explaining what a Narcissist is, Part 2 I will explain how your the Narcissistic Ensnares Your Partner and in Part 3 I will have suggestions as to what you need to do for now and what Mindset you need to have to get through this time period or what I often call? “The Mean-time.”

According to The American Psychiatric Association’s DSM-IV-TR they define a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as “an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts, such as family life and work.”

The DSM specifies nine diagnostic criteria. Five (or more) of these criteria must be met for a diagnosis of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder to be rendered.

I found this answer from wiki. answers.com there are amendments included and I shortened some of the definitions – for the full definition I will include the Website Link in the Youtube Video description and on my Blogs so I will read the shortened version of this list – even the shortened version of the list is quite long but I wanted to assist you in understanding all aspects of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder because it helps to explain how the Narcissist is able to pull the wool over people’s eyes and once having gained power over another person how they maintain their power.

So these criteria include:

The Narcissist Feels grandiose and self-important;

Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or unequaled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;

Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special therefore only wants to treated and associate with other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);

Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (often defined as Narcissistic Supply);

Feels entitled, Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favorable priority treatment;

Is “inter-personally exploitative”, i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;

Devoid of empathy, Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;

Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration;

Suffers from the beliefs that they are being pursued (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;

Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, invincible, immune, “above the law”, and has magical thinking;

Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy.

In Part 2 I will be back to explain about how the Narcissist Ensnares Your Partner and keeps a hold on him or her.

I will be including a Transcript of all Three Parts on my Counsellor in a Box Blog at counsellorinabox.com/blog and our Love By Design Blog at? lovebydesignbook.blogspot.com

If you have any questions you can talk to Robby or myself at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Thank You and Bye for Now!

Melody Chase

Further Information and Resources on Narcissists:

The link for the full definition of the Narcissist Personality Disorder from wiki. answers.com is:

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_definition_of_the_Narcissistic_Personality_Disorder#ixzz1H4dvOnD

Part 1 “I, Psychopath” a Video Documentary about a Psychopath/Malignant Narcissist named Sam Vaknin who has dedicate his life helping others to understand Psychopaths and Narcissists.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKn4IYpXK6g

Narcissism: The Web of Illusion, Discover The Truth About Narcissism By Kaleah LaRoche

http://www.narcissismmalignant.com/

Love Fraud: How To Know When Love Is A Con Website

http://www.lovefraud.com/\

Malignant Self- Love: Narcissism Revisited

http://samvak.tripod.com

You Can Save This Marriage – Larry Bilotta’s Marriage Expert Website (Recommended by our Customer mentioned in Part 3 – Larry was able to assist our Customer? in learning how to block negative feelings and enhance positive – something that is key in order to be happy and successful during the Meantime Process as your partner or ex-partner goes through his or her process with the Narcissist)

http://www.youcansavethismarriage.com/

Reality Transurfing – By Vadim Zeland ( Also Highly Recommended by Our Customer Mentioned in Part 3 – he says in the section of the book that talks about Pendulums – the book explains about how easy it is to recognize Narcissists and how to deal with them)

http://zelands.com/e_book1.htm

Books By Richard Sherritt:

Meaning From Madness : Understanding the Hidden Patterns that Motivate Abusers: Narcissists, Borderlines, and Sociopaths.

Tears and Healing: The Journey to the Light after an Abusive Relationship

Surviving the Storm: Strategies and Realities when Divorcing a Narcissist

http://dalkeithpress.com

Toxic Parenting: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

http://www.susanforward.com/author.htm

Recover From Narcissistic Abuse!- Kaleah LaRoche

http://www.narcissismfree.com/

How To Survive Cheating and Narcissism Healing From an Addiction To a Narcissist – By Maria Ava

http://www.articlesbase.com/infidelity-articles/how-to-survive-cheating-and-narcissism-healing-from-an-addiction-to-a-narcissist-996354.html

Narcissistic Abuse by Anne Brady

http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/

Other Websites Mentioned:

Counsellor in a Box Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com and Love By Design Program at http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

Any questions you can reach Robby or myself at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Hi Everyone,

Here is our Relationship Advice Video #2 – it is about Doubt – why we experience it and why it is important to eliminate it in order to focus our energy in the right way to get our ex-partners back. Since there is a lot of information that is included in the Video – I decided to include the Transcript of the Video following the Video Below:

Transcript:

Hi Everyone,

It’s Melody Chase Co-author of our Counsellor in a Box Rescue and Repair Home Study Program. (www.counsellorinabox.com)

Welcome To Our Relationship advice Video Series #2

In today’s Video I am going to be talking about doubt.

So your partner has left you for another man or woman – You knew at some level whether you are willing to admit it or not that there were problems going on in your relationship but you are still in shock that your partner was actually having an affair or left you for someone else. This is naturally going to create doubt in you mind anyway – you begin to wonder did you really know your partner and was your relationship real?

You start off sure and confident that your partner has made a mistake and he or she will be back soon after all it is you and your partner here not strangers – you have pledged your life to each others and you are connected and love each other’s deeply.

Then over time doubt starts to creep in – sure the relationship had problems but enough for your partner to leave? Could it be possible that you weren’t enough for you partner in order to keep him or her? This question will eventually come up because eithor your ex-partner will tell you this directly that you are not enough or were not enough or your ex-partner will come across as so happy and fulfilled with this other man or woman even if the other man or woman isn’t at all what you pictured your partner to be with or even if the other man or woman really dysfunctional – yet somehow it seems to be working for your ex-partner and he or she seems to be happy.

Then to add more doubt any person that you know – friends, family, in-laws or acquaintances who had any issues about you and your partner being in a relationship to begin or who are jealous or bitter about relationships in general and people who are genuinely concerned for your well being and don’t want to see you hurt again will come out of the woodwork and instead of consoling you and supporting you in getting back together with your ex-partner they will tell you any and/or all of the following:

They knew your partner was no good, the two of you weren’t good together, you were nothing but a puppy dog and he or she controlled and used you, you are better off without him or her or even go so far as to convince you that you are not wise in the ways of getting your partner back or you don’t have what it takes otherwise he or she would be back by now, your ex-partner is not strong enough or doesn’t have enough incentive to come back to you even if he or she wanted to and/or if the two of you were meant to be together none of this (in regards to the affair) would have happened in the first place and that you should stop wasting you life away and find someone who can truly make you happy.

Basically they will discount anything wonderful and good that you ever had with your partner and actually make you feel like you have made a huge mistake ever getting together with your partner in the first place and it would be an even bigger mistake getting back together with him or her now.

It is not surprising then that many people give up hope of ever getting back together with their partner – when meanwhile the only reasons why you are not together now is simply a build-up of deficiencies and toxicities including possible dysfunctional patterns that create no win situations and a feeling of hopelessness along with a lack of Relationship Mastery Skills that pushed your partner away into the arms of someone who claimed at first to be able to fulfill all the needs that your partner wasn’t getting in the relationship with you.

Even in really difficult situations where your partner had become addicted to this other man or woman and are continuously being seduced by their charm or kept at bay by the threat of losing this other man or woman – things are not all lost? and really its not what anyone else tells you to do or not to do that is going to prevent you from getting back with your ex-partner -? it is only your own self-doubt that is going to hold you back and cause delays in the process.

Self-doubt creates fear, exhaustion and black and white, all or nothing thinking so a lot of your energy is spent trying to keep the fears down and/or reacting or trying to convince or force your ex-partner to come back to you which just pushes your ex-partner away further.

All of this also makes him or her even more determined to prove to everyone that his or her new relationship is going to make it – after all just like you know now – no one likes to hear that they have made a mistake or that they are going to fail at something or be discounted for how they feel or what they are experiencing.

So the #1 thing you have to do right now is decide to release all self-doubt and doubt about whether you and your ex -partner is Highest and Best for each other and whether the two of you will get back together or not – time will reveal what is Highest and Best for everyone.

However you will never find out if you allow any doubt to continue ruling your thoughts – especially since? with the Law of Attraction what you focus on expands and what you resist persists – so you want to be spending your energy on focusing on creating the Life and Relationship of your Dreams with your ex-partner and/or whoever is Highest and Best for you and allow whatever is best to flow in – there is no benefit to doubt and it doesn’t serve anyone at all.

Even with dealing with nay-sayers – they cannot effect your beliefs or your subconcious mind if there is no doubt – doubt cannot gain access if it doesn’t exist for you.

You will find then that you can carry on in the meantime no longer being tortured by your doubt and bombarded by reasons to doubt that will be drawn in and created by your Subconscious Mind as long as the doubt is lingering in your mind and instead you will be able to find yourself in a state of joy and faith that everything will unfold in perfect timing and in perfect ways for everyone involved.

Most important you will be able to clearly listen and follow your guidance now since you are not distracted by fear – it is your inner knowing and heart that has keep you going and attracted this Video into your life so continue trusting this guidance now since you know it is working in your favor and all is well now and will be well in the future too.

If you want to find out more about the deficiencies, toxicities and potential dysfunctional patterns that pushed your partner away
- and how to now reverse the deficiencies and toxicities, remove patterns and gain Relationship Mastery Skills to draw you partner back to you especially know since fear and doubt are no longer a distraction check out our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

If you have any questions you can contact Robby or myself at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Thank You – Have a Wonderful Day and Bye For Now.

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Hi Everyone!

Here Is my 1st Relationship Advice Video about How To Give Your Ex-Partner Space Without Going Crazy in order to Get Back Together With Him or Her.

The Websites mentioned in the Video are:

Counsellor in a Box Relationship Rescue and Repair Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Melody Chase’s Relationship and Self Growth Information Headquarters Blog at http://www.melodychasesrelationshipinfo.wordpress.com

Life Quest Publishing at http://www.lifequestpublishing.com

Email: relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Melody Chase

I woke up one Sunday morning and caught the end of a Meg Ryan Movie called “The Women” on t.v.

I had seen the movie before and I was thinking this would be a great movie to recommend to readers who are in the process of getting their partners back or are experiencing relationship difficulties in general.

Then I thought come to think of it there is another movie I wanted to recommend so I might as well create a Top 10 Highly Recommended Relationship Movies for Repairing Your Relationship and/or Getting Your Lover Back.

So I wrote them down and gave a little background on each and why I chose them – they are in no particular order.

Aside from being just in time for Valentine’s Day this list of movies also uses the Law Of Attraction by impressing your Subconscious Mind with the Happily Ever After Endings so that I made sure that with each of these movies you are left with positive feelings and encouragement and this in turn will drawn in what it is that creates these positive feelings for you – if you are in the process of getting your partner back you will totally understand and get a feeling of what I mean once you watch the movies!

1) The Women:

I recommend this movie because the main character named Mary Haines played by Meg Ryan did exactly what we at our Centre For Life Management and in our Relationship Programs such as our Love By Design (http://www.lovebydesignbook.com) and Counsellor in a Box Program (http://www.Counsellorinabox.com) recommend to people when their partners have left them for the other man or woman especially in regards to focusing on finding themselves and everything else will fall into place.

For our Customers and Readers who have doubts about what we recommend to get their lovers back the magic of watching this movie or a movie in general is that a person actually gets to see the cause and effect of the character or in this case Mary Haine’s choice to put herself first.

2) Serious Moonlight:

Okay this movie’s plot is really far-fetched and it actually gets a little violent however it is still one of my favorite movies to recommend because the movie does an amazing job explaining what leads up to partners having affairs and the classic mindset and lines that partners who are smitten with the other man or woman use.

Meg Ryan plays a wife named Louise who finds out that her husband Ian ( played by Timothy Hutton) is leaving her for a younger woman.

What is also is inspiring (although keep in mind totally over the top and extreme in her tactics) is Louise’s 100% dedication to beleiving in herself and that her and her husband are still ultimate highest and best partners for each other no matter what reasons or explainations her husband tossed at her.

We always recommend detachment and being open to the potential that there maybe someone else who is highest and best for our customers/readers however it is still important to beleive in oneself otherwise people often give in too soon and with regret realize this when it is beyond the chances of reconciliation or something is tossed into the mix that makes it much more difficult to get their partner back.

3) Bridget Jones Diary 2: The Edge Of Reason

As funny as the movie is, it also has a message about the importance of realizing that if you do not acknowledge and resolve your insecurities, trust issues and/ or are not willing to be open to negotiation in areas where there are gaps in compatibility that even when someone unconditionally loves you, you can still potentially destroy your relationship.

Okay plus its really funny.

4) Sex in the City The Movie:

This movie does include some nudity and sex scenes so it is for mature audiences.

In any case this movie is a good example of how people who love each other and are designed to be with one another can run into trouble and potentially lose their relationship due to common relationship issues such as ego, pride, judgment, forgetting and/or not knowing that relationships are a mutual fulfillment of needs, not willing to let go and/or forgive , lack of communication and how everyone goes about discovering what is really important in order to have a happy and successful relationship. (There is also one relationship that the theme is about being authentic as well)

5) Mansfield Park:

I was delighted to stumble upon this movie one Saturday morning – it was about two thirds of the way through already and I enjoyed it so much I went and watched it from the beginning when I got a chance.

Somehow I missed reading Jane Austen’s book Mansfield Park when I was in school and I am not sure how true it is to the book itself but the movie is a wonderful example of trusting one’s feelings and heart and remaining patient and authentic even when the person you know you are designed to be with? believes they are meant to be with someone else.

6) The Story of Us:

I just love this movie about a couple, played by Michelle Pfieffer and Bruce Willis who are on the verge of divorce.

This movie really keeps it real on what it is like when a couple is not naturally 100% Compatible and it is a rare treat because it really shows how not only do couples deal with each other but they bring in the influences of their parents into the relationship as well.

This movie also shows the importance of needing to step into the shoes of one’s partner to truly understand and empathize with the Requirements, Needs and Wants of their partner.

7) Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon:

This move has a lot of fighting scenes so it is also another movie designed for a mature audience.

Not only does this movie give us a warning that if you are designed to be together don’t waste your precious years going by other people’s rules but it also has the most beautiful example of having the faith and detachment in knowing that if your partner is Highest and Best you can let them go and they will return.

8. Forces of Nature:

This movie is magical – Ben Affleck plays a man named Ben who is about to get married but is having doubts because his fiance feels so much like home and comfortable that he is concerned that maybe there is suppose to be something more – more spark – more excitement.

He ends up on an unintended adventure where he meets a fun, exciting and expressive woman by played by Sandra Bullock who unintentionally assists him in discovering what a true ultimate highest and best mate is all about – the age old debate of excitement versus love or divinity and how to tell the difference between the two.

9) When Love Is Not Enough: The Lois Wilson Story

I am so happy to have caught this movie on tv – it is a Hallmark Made for Television Movie so I am not sure if you can rent it or not but if you can it is an amazing explanation of what it is like to be the wife of a person with an addiction problem and how at the end of the day – there is nothing that the partner of the addict can do to help the addict until the addict is ready to help themselves.

Lois Wilson is the wife of Bill W. Wilson who created Alcoholics Anonymous after being an alcoholic for many years.

Lois tried everything to try and get him to stop drinking including leaving him and as much as he loved her it wasn’t enough to get him to permanently stop drinking until one day he woke up, saw the light and just stopped drinking.

Bill created Alcoholics Anonymous to helps others in similar situations and Lois created Al -non for partners of Alcoholics since these partners have a very unique role to play.

At our Centre we recommend to not get involved with people who have addictions and/or who are toxic or dysfunctional however there are people who seem to be “chosen” or as I call it “in it for life” to stand by their partner through the addiction and their recovery process and one of the important parts to get across is one cannot be in resistance to what they cannot change.

Just as important is the message to not to take it personally when the addict isn’t capable of changing for them as well as the importance of having faith and beleiving in their partner to be able to help themselves when they are ready.

10) Mr Wonderful:

Mr. Wonderful is about Gus, an electrician played by Matt Dillon and Annabella Sciorra plays his ex-wife Leonora

Gus needs extra money to start up a business with some friends so he figures if he matches his ex-wife up with a husband he won’t have to pay her alimony which will free up money.

Even though Gus is engaged to be married to another woman and Gus and Leonora are complete opposites who seem to not be able to stand each other – you just never know what can happen even when everything seems like it is far gone and done – things are not always what they seem and it is inspiring for those who are logical, black and white thinkers or who see things at face value.

As well – this movie also touches on a term that I heard a Soap Opera character on the Young the Restless named Phyllis say who left her husband of 5 years after she could no longer deny that the ex-wife is her husband’s “End Game” or the person who is destined to be with her husband in the end.

The concept of the “End Game” is just something that people can feel – whether they are the 1st Spouse or 2nd – everyone knows in their heart and soul who is really meant to be together and this movie is a great example of this.

Whether you get to see one or all of the movies listed above I assure you that they will be just the inspiration to keep you going and give your a little boost of encouragement as you continue with your journey and the unfoldment process of getting your partner back.

For more information on how to repair your relationship or get your lover back check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Rescue and Repair Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Hi Everyone,

Happy New Year!

I am Happy To Announce My Relationship Advice Video Debut and that I will be creating a Relationship Advice Video Series!

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

P.S. The Websites I mention in the video are:

Counsellor in a Box Home Relationship Rescue and Repair Home Study Program: http://www.counsellorinabox.com

How To Find Out If You Are With Your Soul-mate: The Love By Design System: http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

Melody Chase’s Relationship and Self-Growth Information HQ Blog: http://www.melodychasesrelationshipinfo.wordpress.com

Life Quest Publishing: http://www.lifequestpublishing.com